Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconlegendarysim: More from LegendarySim


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
June 10, 2012
File Size
772 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
154
Favourites
9 (who?)
Comments
36
×
It happens in a blink
sending your mind
into a deep abyss.

It's the feeling that eats at you,
slow and deep; painful and empty.

I'm feeling that feeling again
and it's bringing me down,
deeper and lower.
Will I ever come out?

There goes that feeling again
and its bring me down quick.
I'm trying to find the strength to surface
but I'm being eaten alive.

As your heart pounds through your skin
the rush of blood
causes explosions everywhere.
I feared it would end this way.

I'm losing this game.
When I open my eyes
will I be living?
I've been busy lately so this will be my post for the week. This is an older poem from about a year to a year and a half ago. I changed the piece to make it more clear and concise.
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconxjng:
XJNG Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hate to be critical, but I only really like the last two stanzas. The second-to-last stanza feels particularly fresh. The rest, less so.

I don't doubt the sincerity of the emotions (YOUR EMOTIONS ARE INVALID - I DENY THEM!), just the originality of their expression. The 'deep abyss' and 'eaten alive' were a bit of a turn-off.

I do like 'I'm feeling that feeling again' though. It's a very curious line.

Cheers,

PS: 4th Stanza, second line. "and it[']s bring[ing] me down quick". If I were being a grammatical pedant, I'd ask you to add 'ly' to 'quick'.
Reply
:iconlegendarysim:
LegendarySim Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Yeah, I know it isn't my best stuff. I attribute that to it being an older piece. I haven't had much time to work on fresh poetry.

Thanks for your comments.

Its funny you say you like the last two stanazas because it where I made the most improvements from the original version.
Reply
:iconwildfangwolf:
WildFangWolf Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've had feelings like that before... Not plesant... But... the spiritual battleground is filled with many unplesantries, is it not?
Reply
:iconlegendarysim:
LegendarySim Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I guess you could say that's half the fun...does that make me sound like a cynic? LOL.

Thanks for the comment and the favorite.
Reply
:iconwildfangwolf:
WildFangWolf Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem. I never mind giving credit to talented artists.
Reply
:iconlegendarysim:
LegendarySim Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Don't make me blush.
Reply
:iconwildfangwolf:
WildFangWolf Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, credit is due where credit is due.
Reply
:icon19izzati:
19izzati Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012
This can turn into a lyric. Nice =)
Reply
:iconlegendarysim:
LegendarySim Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks.
Reply
:iconwordsofthunder:
WordsOfThunder Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Student Writer
Love it a lot. It reminds me of a more explosive version of a song I love dealing with more powerful emotions with greater consequences than complacency.

Always enjoy your poetry immensely.
Reply
Add a Comment: